Being a Soul Searcher

I’ve been doing some soul-searching – especially about my attitude during this quarantine. Honestly, not too much in my life changed. Yes, I’ve missed my Austin and Tulsa family and I was sad about the retreat that was cancelled that we had been working on for months, but I had no special occasions or vacations planned, a job that I depended on, children who were missing their senior year activities, or the loss of a loved one.

Of course I can have a sunny disposition – I haven’t personally been touched with emotional or physical pain as some of you have. But today, I am a Soul Searcher. I think, maybe, my happy-sing-along-with-Donna attitude may have come across as insensitive. So, please, forgive me — especially to those of you who have suffered loss and are still in a grieving mode. I sincerely mean it. To love you is to help bear your burdens.To love you is to wrap my arms around you (virtually) so you know how much I care and am praying that you will weather this storm with strength and resolve.

Among the recommendations for keeping us safe during the COVID-19 pandemic was to gargle with warm salt water. But, I thought about salt in a different way when I considered where some of my friends are at. I realized that my sunny disposition may not appeal to those who are in misery right now. Lots of disappointments, financial setbacks, dreams squelched, and really severe depression. That is not something to be “sunny” about. The saying goes “It’s like rubbing salt in a wound.

I do know that grief can slip in quietly behind our best defenses. I do know what it is to force thinking about good and hopeful things, but still the darkness won’t go. I also know more about strength and determination in God’s timing that sure helps. I think King Solomon understood it when he told us “There is a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4).

I’m sure there are those who know that scripture and how seasons like this come and go. But, I also know weeping and laughing, mourning and dancing can all occur in one “up-and-down” day. I’ve learned it’s okay to have a good cry (like when I was going through old photos of my husband and I last week). I also know “Don’t stay there!” I know to move on is to appreciate the beauty of the present. Grief-triggers used to be unwelcome visitors for me. I would refuse to allow myself to go there. But, I’ve learned that it’s okay to grieve — temporarily – because to those who loved much – miss their loved one much. I embrace those memories as a chance to give thanks for God’s past gifts and to expect His work now and in the future.

Here’s my heart — I’m so sorry for giving the impression that I don’t care about my friends’ needs. I assure you I do care and I want to help you out of despair. Christ is alive so that we don’t have to mourn or grieve as those without Him do. He brings us beauty right in the middle of our hardest days and saddest seasons. And even though His work isn’t always an immediate song and dance, He always presents us the opportunity to change: “He grants to those who mourn in Zion — beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of heaviness.” (Isaiah 61:3).

We don’t have to force the joy or avoid the pain. But we do entrust our sorrow and hurts to Jesus because He is a compassionate Savior who knows grief and understands sadness. He cradles us, He heals our brokenness, and He transforms the ashes we bring Him into a crown of beauty that only He can create. The “corona-virus” starts with corona (crown). Let’s change clothes, put on the garment of praise and thanksgiving, our crown of beauty and expect the best is yet to come! I love you so much and I’m praying for your change of seasons and that your BEST days are ahead!!