Being Validated
I was excited when I found a parking space on the street of downtown Austin at the United States Federal Courthouse building when we were heading in for Karlei’s swearing in ceremony. Gord, (her dad), had to drive to a near-by parking garage.
I followed the directions at the parking meter: 1) Type in your license plate number; 2) Put in your credit card; 3) Wait for Validation; 4) Pull out your card. Bada bing, bada boom. Done!
However, after the ceremony, when I was back to my car, a parking ticket was on my windshield! Argh! It said I didn’t place the parking receipt on my windshield. I didn’t even see a receipt come out of the meter. I called to explain, but was told they wouldn’t be able to help me until Monday. I needed validation!
And, like that parking spot needing validation, we humans have a need for validation, too. What do I mean by validate? Isn’t that where you get a parking verification stub stamped by a store or restaurant to get out of paying the parking fees?!” That’s one definition! However, I’m talking about the kind of validation where we verify and recognize that a person’s feelings are indeed genuine and show understanding of those feelings.
There have been times in my life when I have been hurt by well-meaning friends or family because they failed to validate my feelings about a situation. They didn’t feel what I felt. Their lack of sensitivity left me wanting. And, by the same token, I’m sure that I wasn’t a good validator to someone who needed TLC and I was too busy or too taken up with my own agenda.
The truth is it’s a matter of “different strokes for different folks”. Some people just aren’t empathizers. They are not gifted at seeing through other’s eyes or understanding others’ feelings. There are times when all we need ‘in this moment’ is to feel understood, to feel someone relating to our frustrations. That is my daughter. She can pack a punch with the wisdom I often receive from her.
After I’ve poured my heart out about a situation, she’ll say something wise like: “Mom, seek to understand instead of having the need to be understood.” She hit the nail on the head. To be validated or to validate doesn’t mean that we have to agree with others or they have to agree with us. Most of the time people just need to feel heard, not that we agree with them.
Sensitivity to the frustrations and plights of others may look like this:
• I can see why that would upset you…
• That’s understandable considering _____…
• I understand why you’re frustrated…
• I would feel the same way…
And validation “Don’ts” — don’t minimize others feelings or problems: “That’s not a big deal…it could be worse…I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.”
I like my daughter’s quote: “Seek to understand instead of needing to be understood.” This thing of living and loving like Jesus is serious business. Our demeanor, our ability to give others “the time of day”, our tenderness and empathy is the “doing what Jesus did and what He would do” in his validating people. I don’t see any place in Jesus’ three years of ministry that He ignored or slighted anyone.
~ He gave the time of day to the Samaritan woman at the well.
~ He healed the woman with the 12 years issue of blood.
~ He went to the home of Jairus, the synagogue leader, and healed his 12-year-old daughter.
~ He touched and healed the lepers.
~ He tenderly took up for the woman who had been caught in adultery.
~ He brought back to life the son of the widow woman.
He validated.
Let’s be validators, too!
“A friend loves you all the time, and a brother helps in time of trouble.” Proverbs 17:17