Hard Decisions Don’t Come With a Flip of a Coin

We sat in a parking lot, staring blankly ahead with the doctor’s words still ringing in our ears. “Immediately, go for a CT scan so we can see how far the cancer has spread. This is a life or death situation.”

We were stunned despite the signs and the pain my husband had been in for months. But this man who I loved with all my being, was obstinate about the news. “I will not be afraid, and I will not succumb to doctors’ reports. I will place my trust in God, and I will not waver. No one, except God, is going to tell me what to do. And I need to talk with Him first.” We weren’t in agreement. I wanted us to at least get the tests and medical reports asap, so we knew what to be believing for, but he wasn’t about to be pushed around. I was in tears. His heels dug deep into the car’s floorboard. I asked if I could call our daughter for prayer. He agreed. Her tender, loving voice said: “Let’s pray.” She prayed a prayer of absolute certainty that God was in control and we didn’t have to fear or dread. “Daddy, no one is making you have this surgery, but doesn’t it make sense to at least get the tests to see where everything is at?” Daddy’s girl got to Daddy’s heart AND stubbornness. And so, the pain in his back that he tolerated for months, set us on a course for a journey of faith like we never imagined.

We found ourselves facing a critical juncture in our faith. The tests, the results and the doctors’ absolute insistence on the emergency surgery to remove the tumor that consumed his #10 vertebrae or face being paralyzed, created a dilemma. We could do nothing, stand strong and believe that God had a long life of health and wellness ahead and live in a state of anxious denial (a place he’d been living for too long already). Or, we submit to the medical professionals’ recommendations and work toward finding acceptance, faith and peace in God’s guidance – step by step daily. After united prayer with our family – the latter was chosen. Surgery would take place in a couple of days. The hard choices of life don’t usually come with a flip of a coin. Sometimes it takes a village to help us decide.

And, sometimes peace is a choice that doesn’t always come naturally for us. My husband was that guy that liked to be in control of, well, everything. Mr. Type-A personality wanted to know exactly how the day would go and then manipulate his surroundings to fit what feels safe, secure, and right to him. That worked well for him for years, but life didn’t comply with his version of how things should be. He had to release his grip on control which was more difficult for him than the cancer.

Why am I deliberating on what happened almost ten years ago? Because, I sense that there are many who are, by nature – control freaks – like my husband was – and you are having to release control in your lives – particularly since Covid sprung itself on our world. Once we settled into the rhythm of peace, trust, and hope, the next few months, though often grueling, were also times of comfort and witnessing God’s amazing grace — time and time again. God’s Word filled in the weak places with scriptures like Isaiah 54:10, “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet My unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor My covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, Who has compassion on you.”

In the months that followed, we found ourselves navigating into the unknown, and sometimes didn’t really feel the peace, but we knew it was there for the taking, like that scripture says. So, we made a choice to believe it, whether we felt it or not. And, here I am these ten years later, and I daily choose to believe that the peace that surpasses all understanding still covers my life even when it’s chaotic and stress-filled.

I believe that is what Horatio Spafford had in mind when he penned the words “It is well with my soul” after losing his son, his business, and then his four daughters (who drowned in a shipwreck). It is well — doesn’t mean declaring that we are unaffected in the face of hardship. It is simply choosing to believe that love, peace, and hope are true. That they are promises we can believe no matter what comes our way. So, though my heart hurt when I was my husband’s midwife after months of doing all we could do and praying all we could pray to get him well, I chose peace and hope knowing that God would redeem my pain. And He has. He will for you, too.