I Wish You Knew

This day, eight years ago, began with the routine we had become accustomed to after eleven months of doctors’ appointments, six surgeries, many treatments, infusions, pain management and a host of other daily activities. Each day was a new day with hope and great expectations for conquering the events of the day, without being conquered by those events. I wish you knew how our life changed from “normal” to a “new normal” that was anything but normal. We never knew what to expect – perhaps yet another trip to the emergency room to help manage the pain, the fever, or the discomfort. Whatever each day held, it seemed we were enveloped in a blanket of God’s peace. Aw, God’s sweet, wonderful peace. I wish you knew that peace.

I wish you knew how one can weather a storm unscathed because of God’s peace that passes understanding. I wish you knew how it felt to see others living their lives as “routine” and same-o, same-o while I was thrilled to have one more day to trust God that we would make it through another day.

I wish you knew how it felt to live each day with expecting a miracle – that even on this day, I didn’t think anything except that my sweetheart didn’t want much to eat on this day – that he would rather sleep more which I deemed was because of the medication to reduce the pain in his broken body. I wish you knew the great peace it brought that we had a loving God Who we knew was giving us such peace.

I wish you knew how it felt to recognize that this day would be my last day with him as I watched his blood pressure get erratic. I knew it was time to tell him, “Sweet man, it’s okay to go home. I’ll be okay. I love you so much. I’ll see you later. Go ahead and “Push, Baby, push!” I wish you knew what it feels like to be your loved one’s Mid-Wife and help him push through to heaven.

I wish you knew how absolutely at peace you can be and know how it feels to be vastly in control when everything around you is out-of-control and out-of-your-ability to do anything to alter God’s will being done on earth as it was in heaven. I wish you knew how resilient we can be in the most storm-tossed seas of life.

I wish you knew how it feels to have spent 49 years of loving your childhood “crush” to him becoming your life-long lover, best friend, sweetheart, and darling husband. I wish you knew how much I still love talking about him, even on this day. Even after all these years later, it makes me smile to hear you tell stories and remind me how he impacted your life. Saying his name is one of the most comforting things you can do for me and my family.

I wish you knew how it feels to be in a room full of couples who love and respect you but you feel like the 3rd or 5th wheel all alone without your person, but putting aside those feelings to living with gusto because of the Big Wheel Who keeps you confident, living with destiny and purpose.

I wish you knew I was not always as strong and inspiring and brave as it looked – that sometimes I was simply a determined survivor. Telling me how strong and confident I was all the time simply made me feel like I had to look and be a certain way to continue being “an inspiration.” And, you know what? I did become strong with the desires to be inspiring and brave and not just being a survivor, but a thriver.

I wish you knew that people aren’t replaceable and new chapters don’t mean we’ve forgotten or stopped loving them. What’s new is new, and it’s amazing and beautiful and provides new stories and life, but has nothing to do with the memories that will stay with you forever and the memories that made you live a worthwhile life of making a difference in other people’s lives.

I wish you knew the difference of being a weeping, whiny, and wailing widow to a confident, peace-filled widow who doesn’t forget the past but realizes all the times of the past that made her the capable, faith and peace filled woman she is today. I wish you knew not to waste your life because time is so very short.

I wish you knew how grateful I am for those of you who lifted us up in prayer, who still lift me up in prayer, who do life with me and encourage me with your words of cheer.

I wish you knew that life is worth living until we get to experience real life forever on the other side where we’ll meet up with our loved ones who are cheering us on from heaven’s grandstands.

I wish you knew this peace I know. It’s yours for the taking: Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are stayed on You because they trust in You.”

I wish you knew…….